Wal Mart

I want to thank georgsecrets for coming back and hanging in. I want you to read, and I'm glad you are here. Don't think we haven't all had a moment where we needed to open mouth insert foot. Think of it never again!

I had a dreadful trip to Wal Mart to make. I was edged out before I got home but it was all OK. I was calm, the crowd wasn't all that bad, but it was cold. I can do without.

Happy Tuesday!

Lesson of Today: Depression

I decided to post a definition of depression today, in light of a readers comment to me regarding my use of the tanning bed as a treatment for what I've been struggling with for the past two months. This comes from Web MD:


Major Depression (Clinical Depression) Symptoms, Treatments, and More: "What is major or clinical depression?

Most people feel sad or low at some point in life. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning. In addition, according to the DSM-IV -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:

Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others.)
Psychomotor agitation or retardation (restlessness or being slowed down)
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)

To distinguish your condition as major depression, one of your symptoms must be either depressed mood or loss of interest. Also, the symptoms must be present for most of the day every day or nearly every day for at least two weeks."

So- that's just a little tidbit of exactly how I've been feeling DAILY. It hasn't been fun, and I've been working hard to fight it and to do my best to get through my days.

I do know that the tanning bed can damage my skin, and I know there is a danger from over exposure to UVA/UVB. I'm pretty smart, I've read all of that. I do think that the dangers/damage of the tanning bed far outweighs the danger/damage of intrusive thoughts of scary things that I'm not ready to be open about right now.

No disrespect to the reader that left that comment- don't run off. Now, the douche that left the comment about me being a fat ass lazy retarded woman who leaches off of her husband- he is totally excused from reading my words and I hope he finds a better outlet for his word vomit. I deleted that comment, btw.

Last night I laughed out loud at American Idol Rewind. It was the first time I have laughed in two months and it felt super. I think my new medication and the tanning bed is kicking in.

The Hangover Hall of Shame

For the first time in 2-3 years, I woke up with a significant hangover. I went to DDL's Christmas party last night. I had two mixed drinks and had to go to the room at 10pm. They were the mixed drinks that mixed liquors together. And I didn't eat dinner. BAD TIMES. I woke up at 2am and was violently ill until 7am. I have no desire to treat myself to that ever again.

I am still emotionally tender. I cry easily when triggered by certain thoughts or words. It happened during a departmental meeting on Friday. It was a legitimately sad topic, but it made me emotional. I pulled it together, though.

I haven't noticed the medication working yet. I'm here, but just here. Not fully functional.

Mimilicious and I took the LM's to the park tonight for train rides, reindeer rides (the carousel ponies had on antlers), and hot chocolate. The park is light up for Christmas, and it was cold but so much fun! After that I had some "light therapy" in the tanning bed at Mimi's.

Time for Quiet

The LM's are at church, the house is quiet. I'm sitting here when I should be doing house work. But the recliner and a beer is so much better.

The Story of the Urgent Care Visit:

One not so good day, I had a talk on the phone with my therapist. I was distressed, hardly functional... and had a call in to my psychiatrist's office. Therapist told me to go to ER/Urgent Care if I didn't hear from the doctor by 5.

So off I go to the hospital's Urgent Care- waiting room full of sick people. Real sick people who needed medical attention, not a crazy person. But I did what I was told to do.

I waited my turn. Crying. In the waiting room. In triage I cried. Cried some more in the treatment room while waiting for the doctor.

He came in. Asked some questions: (Are you suicidal? No.) (Do you think about hurting yourself? Yes.)

Then it goes like this: "Well, what I can do for you is draw some blood and call a councelor in to come and talk to you."

Me: "No. I don't need you to draw my blood. My bloodwork is fine, I just had my doctor do bloodwork. My thyroid is fine. I have a councelor. I don't want to talk to anyone but her, and I don't want anyone to have to come up here after hours when there are really sick people to treat." (guilty feelings ALL over the place for taking up this Doctor's time when he could have been dealing with sick people).

Since WHEN could you detect severe depression from bloodwork? I am now very upset that they tell people with mental distress to go to the ER if this is the way they are treated. Blood work? Oh- the doctor did cross his arms over his chest and told me that if I needed to talk to someone I could talk to him. Yeah. That made me want to open up. Dude. I'm here, I'm wigging out, I don't know why. I felt bad enough to go in the first place which meant I felt like I needed help. Is that how they treat people? Fragile people? Just because I wouldn't actually hurt myself doesn't mean another person wouldn't. Would they just chase them out of the ER, too?

So I went home and pulled it together like I always do. I haven't told anyone that story (except DDL) until now. I was insulted.

I See a Light!

Thank you so much for the awesome words. Knowing that my words might help someone makes a crappy thing not so bad. This will be a blur soon. There is another side of it, and the real me will be there waiting.

I upped my dose of Fish Oil, and my day started out decently even though I was pretty put out with the LLM. She is so fussy about her wardrobe. I have had 3 people today tell me, "just think about when she's 13." Um, no. I'd rather not.

Called the psychiatrists office today, and informed them that my therapist thought I was in a major depressive episode (scary place). The doctor gave me samples of Pristiq. I've heard great things about a Lexapro/Pristiq combo. That's the light! I start tomorrow.

The evening routine wore me down and the girls were tugging on the end of my rope. I talked harshly to them, they seem to know how to work me when my fuse is short. The BLM is under the spell of our magic elf and can't think about anything else. She slow plays me, can't hear me, and just worked my nerve all over the place tonight.

I have two stories to share about a traumatic visit to the crazy doctor and a folly at the ER (both depression related). I'm just saying that so I don't forget to share.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I feel them. I really do.