This little blog is going to take a turn for me right now. I don't want to cause stress or an anxiety or depressive episode for any of my friends. If I do post about those two things, I promise to caution you in the title so that you know there will be content you don't need to be exposed to.
This blog, for now, is going to chronicle my major depressive episode and what I'm doing about it.
First- nothing has caused it. No one. Nothing. Life is good. Relationship with husband is strong. Work is slow, but that is not a factor. The cause is: my Anti Anxiety Medication has stopped working.
This is just like after the birth of the Little Little Momma in July 06. I knew I would slip into it. I came home from the hospital with medication. I had 8 weeks off of work. Within 8 hard weeks, the Lexapro started working and I felt great.
Sometime in there it stopped working and we switched to Effexor. Effexor triggers my anxiety, so we went back to Lexapro.
Lexapro is not working. Plain as that. Medications stop working in 40% of patients. It's time to get back on the med go round and try again. At my last appointment with the psychiatrist, I described my feelings, how hard it was to go to work, my lack of functionality, deep depression, etc. I'm calling tomorrow. We need to get on this road quickly.
I'm making an effort. Some strategy for every day. Today was cookies, toe painting, and Elf with the girls. That felt good.
Tomorrow- tanning on my lunch break.
Two days at a time. I even have to split those in half and make a goal for each. Being crazy is HARD.
This does not begin to skim the surface of feelings. I can't go there. This is the most for now. Maybe I'll have new words in a few days.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Pardon the Interruption Take II
Please excuse my lack of words.
To be honest, I'm fighting a serious battle of depression. I'm at a loss for words. I'm just sort of here in my life right now. Fighting to manage to take care of kids, house, and work. The will to write has left.
I don't do anything I like to do anymore. Clean house- no. Clean sheets- no. Putting on my work clothes, slapping on make up and a happy face is more than too much for me.
Do not worry. Send positive thoughts or prayers my way. I'm in therapy, seeing my psychiatrist, and my doctor. They are trying to get me back to my functioning self.
I'm not going to lie. Things have been the worst they've ever been since I had PPD when LLM was born. It's a wonder I still have a job and it's a wonder that DDL is up to taking care of my unreasonable crying spells, lazy laying in bed, and just being a walking-dead-person.
Monday was rough. So bad that I went to the urgent care clinic at the urging of my therapist. I sat there in the waiting room, sobbing. Got to see the doctor and he wanted to draw my blood. UH?? WTF? When did a major episode of depression become detectable in the blood? I declined and he said I could talk to him if it would make me feel better. Yeah, Jack Ass. I just wasted 2 hours of my life and took up time that actual physically ILL people could have been in there. So I left.
Thursday I got an emergency appointment with my Psychiatrist. I was harassed in the waiting room by a crazy man. It was so bad that the doctor called me back in to see him and instructed me to walk straight outside. So that's what I did, bawling the whole time.
I have been given some new medication and I expect that it is going to take 3-4 (maybe more) weeks to kick in.
So pardon me for the lack of words and the inability to read or comment on anything.
To be honest, I'm fighting a serious battle of depression. I'm at a loss for words. I'm just sort of here in my life right now. Fighting to manage to take care of kids, house, and work. The will to write has left.
I don't do anything I like to do anymore. Clean house- no. Clean sheets- no. Putting on my work clothes, slapping on make up and a happy face is more than too much for me.
Do not worry. Send positive thoughts or prayers my way. I'm in therapy, seeing my psychiatrist, and my doctor. They are trying to get me back to my functioning self.
I'm not going to lie. Things have been the worst they've ever been since I had PPD when LLM was born. It's a wonder I still have a job and it's a wonder that DDL is up to taking care of my unreasonable crying spells, lazy laying in bed, and just being a walking-dead-person.
Monday was rough. So bad that I went to the urgent care clinic at the urging of my therapist. I sat there in the waiting room, sobbing. Got to see the doctor and he wanted to draw my blood. UH?? WTF? When did a major episode of depression become detectable in the blood? I declined and he said I could talk to him if it would make me feel better. Yeah, Jack Ass. I just wasted 2 hours of my life and took up time that actual physically ILL people could have been in there. So I left.
Thursday I got an emergency appointment with my Psychiatrist. I was harassed in the waiting room by a crazy man. It was so bad that the doctor called me back in to see him and instructed me to walk straight outside. So that's what I did, bawling the whole time.
I have been given some new medication and I expect that it is going to take 3-4 (maybe more) weeks to kick in.
So pardon me for the lack of words and the inability to read or comment on anything.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Totally Shitty
Four Forty Five am wake up call to more shit in my freshly cleaned carpet.
Doggy has to live outside until I can go get my spare crate from the lake. It's not fair!
I'm going to go insane with the smell of feces in my living room. I can't have a crisis over it everyday. It smells up my whole house.
Poor Hailey.
Doggy has to live outside until I can go get my spare crate from the lake. It's not fair!
I'm going to go insane with the smell of feces in my living room. I can't have a crisis over it everyday. It smells up my whole house.
Poor Hailey.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The Carpet Medic Saved My Life
There was a traumatic experience in my house over the weekend. Our poor Hailey (9 year old lab) got sick all over the carpet on Friday night and Saturday night. I had to clean diarrhea both days. My house smelled rancid. I had a nervous breakdown while scrubbing.
It threw me. I couldn't get the smell out of my nose or my mind. I can't afford to replace the flooring, and removing the carpet and staining the concrete is not an option right now.
The carpet medic came today. My carpet looks brand new. I no longer have to cry when I walk into my house.
Some asshat tossed a huge pumpkin at my car last night- huge dent. Niiiiice.
It's been a long day. I made a trip to and fro one of our properties at work. About 3 hours on the road. I need a beer and a heating pad.
It threw me. I couldn't get the smell out of my nose or my mind. I can't afford to replace the flooring, and removing the carpet and staining the concrete is not an option right now.
The carpet medic came today. My carpet looks brand new. I no longer have to cry when I walk into my house.
Some asshat tossed a huge pumpkin at my car last night- huge dent. Niiiiice.
It's been a long day. I made a trip to and fro one of our properties at work. About 3 hours on the road. I need a beer and a heating pad.
Monday, November 2, 2009
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