I'm Going to be a Sister Wife

I am impressed with my proposal to become Ashley's Sister Wife and my rider being taken seriously.

Allow me to copy/paste with my responses to this negotiation process. Here is Ashley's Rider in response to the Mamalicous Rider:

--Diet Dr. Pepper, fine, but don't you dare take the last one. It is also my beverage of choice when I'm not on Coke. By the way, I am back on Coke and my waistline is reflecting that. So much for that Master Cleanse (aka the flu) I did earlier this year.
I don't even take my own last Diet Dr. Pepper. I make sure I have back up. This isn't an issue.

--Porkrinds, whatever. That's disgusting, but a small concession.
Thank you.

--Peanut butter and wireless internetz--always. Come on, it's the Ashley household. Of course we have peanut butter and wireless internetz.
YES! Heaven on Earth... wireless internetz, peanut butter, Diet Dr. Pepper!

--Michelob Ultra...is a small problem. We would have to have three brands of beer in the house at all times, 4 if we kept your husband (another point entirely). Also, what is up with you two drinking sissy beer? Is this an Oklahoma thing? Please consider Amstel, Heineken, or Heineken Light, for convenience sake. How are you on wine? If you drink wine, we're good.
Uh, no can do. Can't drink any of those other flavors. I will stop drinking altogether if I have to. You can teach me to drink wine. I don't like it right now, but I hear it is an acquired taste. I'll go for it if it will benefit the relationship. I'm a giver.


--Petron, Ambien, Lexapro and Xanax, all fine, just hide them from Mr. Ashley. We don't want to share.
No problem. I didn't really think I would share those things anyway.

--I can take or leave country music, so since it is so important to you, I'll live without it. That is not a biggie. Oh wait, what about Johnny Cash? Hmm, we may have to further discuss this one and outline specifics.
Johnny Cash is fine with me. But, I must be very extra drunk.

--Going to bed early--this is fine, actually it should work out well. Mr. Ashley goes to bed very early and it seems wrong for a married couple to always go to bed at different times. So you and him can just go together and that solves that.
But does he sleep with the TV on? This is important to me, too.

--A&E--Perfect! I love documentaries and true crime shows, so we're good there.
I also like to watch Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

Now you seem to have missed the part of the proposal where I really only invited you and one daughter. Not a husband. Why would anyone want a brother-husband?? There's a reason more cultures aren't trying to get away with that one. Just for the fun of it, what is his average turn around time on picture hanging?
Uh oh. Turn around time on picture hanging- close to never. I take care of these things. The thing is, I really do like DL a lot and I have gotten "kind of" attached to the Little Lil Momma. I'd be fine with a shared relationship type of situation. I think we can work this out with your condo proposal.

I was thinking maybe he could rent our condo, for like market rent + $500, and keep your youngest daughter there with him. And pay child support on the older one, who we would keep. He could come over on the weekends and keep Mr. Ashley entertained and they could watch the kids while we go downtown, get sloshed, and only have a $4 cab ride back to the condo, because it's close. Maybe we'd even all go on vacation together once a year. Also, he could come out on the boat with us, we need men to carry our stuff to the beach.
This is good thinking. I like this a lot. Maybe Mr. Ashley and Daddylicious and the kids should live in the condo and the Sister Wives could live at your house. We could beckon them when we need them for things and to bring us stuff. Just think how much fun it will be to live free without the usual demands of traditional family life! I'm thinking more people are going to want to get in on this type of family structure.

Your cats are definitely not coming, sorry. I'm really not thrilled about the dog either. I was thinking maybe it and our white German Shepherd, Lily, could move outside together. This would make the situation truly ideal for all of us.
Cats- I want to get rid of them anyway.
Dog- Can go live with my parents because she likes them better anyway.

I don't know what to say about the situation with the anal glands. Personally, I would've left that out of proposal negotiations, but let me tell you right here and now that I will not be having anything to do with your dog's anal glands, nor will I be hearing about it. Ever.
See Above.

Here are my demands, aka the Ashley Rider:

--I prefer not to share the blanket. I sleep with a down comforter all year round and would rather not compete for blanket footage. You can either share with Mr. Ashley, or we'll just have three blankets.
This is fine. I must insist on clean bedding (for the entire household) each week. If you want, I can just sleep on the couch. I don't mind. I'll still make sure all of the bedding is clean. We will celebrate Clean Sheet Day on Friday or Saturday (sometimes Sunday, it just depends on how the weekend shakes down).


--I sleep with the tv on. Usually around 4ish I wake up and turn it off, but this is non-negotiable.
So do I. I really like to fall asleep watching "Lock Up" on MSNBC. I really don't mind what is on as long as it isn't baseball. I can't stand the sound of a baseball game.

--I do not wake up early. I do not hear crying children while asleep.
Fine. I wake up early. You are well aware that some times my days start at 4am. I get alot done during this time.

--I do not cook. I don't know how. Expect me to call you at work asking how long it takes to microwave a hotdog. I CANNOT operate the microwave without explicit instructions from someone else on how many seconds. Mr. Ashley will probably do most of the cooking. We're a big "breakfast for dinner" sort of family.
Here is what I can offer in the way of cooking skills: grilled cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, anything out of a box or can. We can just get frozen shit and call it good. I love Brinner (breakfast for dinner).

--or clean.
I do this. I like to. It might get on your nerves, but we can work that out.

--Some days I just NEED a nap. You will realize that it is far better to let me go take one for an hour, than to try to keep me up and deal with the consequences.
Fine. As long as the kids are napping or resting quietly. I like to nap too. It's like a sport for lazy people.

--I don't handle mail, calls, or knocks at the door. Mr. Ashley will probably continue dealing with this.
Me no likey phone calls or knocks at the door. Mr. Ashley can continue with this duty.

--I take baths that are rarely shorter than one hour. They are necessary. They cannot be interrupted.
I dig it. In fact, I have to have a bath every night. I have to shave my legs EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. This is not negotiable.


--Stay away from my hairdresser. Her and I share a sacred bond, and I won't have you and your chunky highlights fucking that up for me.
Fine. I'll bring my hairdresser with me.

--Do not agree with Mr. Ashley, ever. Also, if I want to bitch about him, don't say things like "At least he changes diapers". If someone wants to bitch about me not cooking, no one is stumbling all over themselves to say "Well, at least she changes diapers." Yes, he is basically a good guy and I'm lucky to have him. He still pisses me off all of the time and I expect your unconditional support in any and all matters that pertain to him and anything annoying he might do.
I've got your back on this one.

I think that's it. I really think you would love it here and both of our blogs would benefit, not to mention our social lives. You would work and clean, Mr. Ashley would deal with the outside world and cook, and I would dazzle us all daily with my wit, intelligence and charm.



So what do you say?
My answer is yes. There are a few negotiations that we are going to have to work through, though. Please take note of my comments in red.

It's going to be great. I love the beach. I love the boat. I think we share just enough things in common and have just the right amount of differences to REALLY make this plural marriage thing work.

Let me know. I want to plan the nuptials and the honeymoon right away.