Sunday Slump

I don't know what it is about Sunday that gets me in a slump. Maybe it is because I'm home alone? There isn't anything on TV, the LM's are at church, DDL is at work, there isn't anything on TV. There is plenty of laundry. I don't even want to dive in there.

I woke up to a panic attack this morning. My dream? I was at Wal Mart shopping for our vacation. I need to get a few beach things for our drive to Austin and then to Corpus. Is it awful that I'm not wanting to go? I want to go, but I'm really upset that I don't get a "real" vacation.

Now that's spoiled rotten. My mind tells me if I'm not getting on a plane and going somewhere all inclusive then it's not a real vacation. I need to have my ass beat. We're going to have fun as long as BLM doesn't bug out on the ride. She's never been any further than DFW. We'll be going a little farther than that and I think I'm going to do us all a favor and get her some Children's Dramamine. It's best for both of us. I don't like car rides either, we'd both rather fly but we're not.

Blah. Tonight is Survivor Finale. Hurry up tonight.

New Woman?

I've had a pretty good week, even with a headache or two sprinkled in.

I got 40 hours of work done in about 30. Although I had curve balls and computer disasters- I took it in stride. No crying, none at all. I met a deadline a week early. I worked my farking ass off to do it.

The BLM had a field trip this week, and I went to that. I took her McDonalds at lunch and had lunch with her (she's been begging all year). I got her enrolled in summer program.

This afternoon, I had major pain in my shoulders and neck from having to work on my laptop on my regular desk (see computer disaster above). I came home early and put a heating pad on it and took a nap. Woke up feeling groovy.

My new MP3 player arrived. My iTouch hooks up to it, the sound quality is excellent. I danced. I DANCED. **I DANCED**

After dancing, the girls had some bikini time (I am bikini obsessed). Then they cleaned their playroom while I cleaned house. DDL is out of town for work and will be home soon. I have 2 things left to clean and he will come home to a clean house. I don't know when the last time was that I was able to function to this degree. It is amazing.

Clean sheets and clean floors, here I come!

A Good Day!

I had a fairly good day today. I got a lot done at work on Monday, that felt good. Today, I enrolled the BLM in her summer program. I got there at 6:30 and enrollment started at 7:30. And we're talking AM. I was #22 in line!

BLM and LLM went to dance class with a friend. They loved it, especially the LLM. She was into it big time.

Must put LM's to bed. They are so highly uncooperative in the mornings it is ridiculous.

Doin' Better!

I've had off and on again good/bad days, but things are getting better. The weather has been nice. The girls are precious, and I've lots to do at work.

Not at long post, just wanted to tell my friends that I'm going to make it :)

Looking forward to eliminating all non-required medications out of my system. I feel like my system is toxic or something. Lots of water, and only what I have to have (thyroid, A/D meds, Anxiety meds).

Hope you all had a happy Mother's Day. Mine started rough, I got some work done in the house and even cooked dinner..... took a nap, and watched the amazing race.

I'm late to bed. LLM called me 15 minutes ago. I'm late!

Still Alive

And I made it out of my painful retainer. It was causing so many tears and so much pain and other thoughts that are never appropriate to share with anyone because no one ever wants to hear how it really is.

As it turns out, it wasn't supposed to be that painful. I see the doctor again this week and I debate on telling him how it really is.

I'm falling apart, honestly. I feel like no one wants to help me. I type a lot at work, and I give presentations at work. I cannot do those things while holding ice packs to my jaws. I tried, you can't type while holding ice packs on your cheeks. It can't be done. Mostly what I do at work is type.

I'm not asking for a life time supply of percocet or the other "evil" medication. I'm asking for something that will allow me to FUNCTION and get my work done. I'm a highly productive person under normal circumstances. My work is what defines ME. I'm also highly productive at home: playing with kids, keeping up with the house work and duties that come along with it. So, luckily DDL has that part covered for me. But that's not the life I want. I WANT IT ALL.

I want my job, my kids, my house, my life to return to normal. I don't want to think those thoughts that you are not supposed to think about or talk about. I don't want to lay in bed and cry. I don't want to waste any more time on this shit. It's almost summer, dammit.

I just want to SCREAM because my doctor(s) won't help me. Cut through the homeopathic bullshit and put me under the knife, wire my jaw shut, inject something into these jaw joints, give me some pain pills or blow my fucking brains out. Because this life of mine has zero quality. If I were an animal, someone who loved me would put me out of my misery.

Does anyone get that? Anyone in the medical profession, that is? Meanwhile I'm in pain, broke and can't take vacation, and pissed off about the whole thing.

Do Not Like It

I do not like anything about wearing this appliance 24/7. It hurts (like getting braces hurts when your teeth move around).

I have had a headache every damn day.

Today I had my teeth cleaned for the first time in a year. The dentist had me take a Valium last night and one this morning. I threw in some muscle relaxers and got the happy gas before the cleaning. It still makes me hurt to hold my mouth open.

I was so loopy that I went home and took a nap, and the rest of the day was filled with pain and jaw spasms. I had to leave work early and I can't afford to leave early- I have too much to do and it looks horrible for me to leave every day.

I came home crying. DDL hooked me up with my ice packs and made me lay down. I got up for something and he made me lay back down. What a man what a man what a man what a mighty good man.

This has to stop. I can't live with this anymore. I just can't do it.

Spark It!

I've found some motivation to start the healthy diet/exercise again! DDL has lost 14 pounds, go Daddy Go! We are getting ready for that lake time! I even got up this morning and walked the dogs. It was trash day, so they enjoyed some delightful smells of garbage in the brisk early morning. I hope I can do it again tomorrow morning. I am so tired.

The day was long with a trip to a chiropractor in Antlers who uses a very interesting technique. There is no popping or back cracking. I just can't even put it into words, but it didn't hurt and he didn't charge us and the LM's got to see DDL's parents. Win Win Win.

I found a neat website called Spark People. It is great for tracking your food intake and keeping your calories in range. I've been dieting since Sunday and lost 5 pounds so far. Most of it is water, of course. I'll take it, whatever it is. It's easy, it's fun, and if you are in the mindset to get some new healthy habits it is neat so check it!